Posted on December 2nd, 2025

 

Ever had a run-in with someone that left you feeling a little too fired up, like your emotions showed up wearing the wrong outfit for the occasion?

 

Maybe a casual comment hits harder than it should, or someone’s effortless confidence somehow pokes a bruise you didn’t know was there.

 

Turns out, your reactions aren’t just about what’s happening on the surface. They’re connected to the internal cast of characters you’ve built over time.

 

According to Internal Family Systems (IFS), your mind isn't one voice; it's more like a group chat, each part chiming in with its own vibe, memory, or warning. And when the right (or wrong) person walks in, those parts get loud.

 

If you’ve ever wondered why certain people push your buttons more than others, there’s a good chance it’s not about them at all.

 

Why Do You React Strongly Around People?

Strong emotional reactions can feel like they come out of nowhere. One moment you're fine, and the next, someone's comment hits like a punch you didn’t see coming. These flare-ups can look like irritation, jealousy, or even a sudden wave of admiration that leaves you oddly off balance. It’s easy to write them off as mood swings, but there’s usually something deeper going on.

 

According to Internal Family Systems (IFS), your mind is made up of different parts, each with its own voice, emotion, and history. These parts aren’t random; they’re shaped by past experiences and show up to protect you, warn you, or make sense of the present. The problem is, they don’t always agree. So when someone unintentionally triggers one of these parts, your response can feel way out of proportion to the moment.

 

There are a few common reasons why certain people bring out strong reactions:

• They remind you of someone who hurt you or made you feel small.

• They highlight qualities you wish you had, stirring up comparison or insecurity.

• They activate a protective part of you that’s used to staying on high alert.

• They unknowingly press on unresolved emotional wounds that haven’t been addressed.

That tension you feel? It’s not about being too sensitive. It’s your inner system flagging something worth your attention.

 

Think of it like this: your internal world has its own emotional thermostat, and sometimes a person in the room raises the temperature without even trying. You might find yourself unusually defensive, shut down, or desperate to impress. It’s rarely about the person in front of you. More often, it’s a part of you reacting to what that person represents.

 

The IFS framework offers a way to step back and observe what's happening without spiraling into judgment. It teaches that you have a core Self that’s steady and capable of listening to those parts instead of being overwhelmed by them. With a little curiosity and space, you can start noticing which part is flaring up and why.

 

Over time, this practice shifts you out of reactive mode and into something steadier. The goal isn’t to stop feeling things; it’s to understand why those feelings show up the way they do. Once that clicks, the emotional heat turns down, and conversations that once felt like landmines become a lot more manageable.

 

The Role of Emotional Regulation in Handling Reactions

Strong emotions aren’t the problem. It’s what happens when they take the wheel without notice that throws everything off. That’s where emotional regulation comes in. Within the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, regulation isn’t about shutting feelings down. It’s about tuning in so your reactions don’t hijack the moment. Think of it as adjusting the heat on the stove instead of letting the pot boil over.

 

In IFS, regulation means your Self steps up to check in with the parts that are flaring up, especially the ones that feel unheard, scared, or overworked. When these parts clash, reactions can come out sideways. But when your Self is in charge, those internal voices don’t have to compete. They can work together. The result is less chaos and more clarity.

 

You don’t need to master this overnight. But a few steady habits can help:

• Pause and breathe when your system starts to rev up. Even a short break can help calm the part that’s feeling overwhelmed.

• Get curious instead of critical. Ask yourself, “Which part of me just reacted, and why?”

• Listen to your body. Tension, racing thoughts, or sudden fatigue are all clues.

• Offer kindness. Your reaction came from somewhere. That part needs care, not correction.

These aren’t magic tricks, but they work like a reset button when practiced consistently. You’re not silencing your emotions; you’re letting each one speak without letting it run the whole show.

 

Emotional regulation is less about “staying calm” and more about knowing what to do when you’re not. That might mean stepping back from a conversation, recognizing a defensive spike, or simply giving a stressed-out part of you five minutes of breathing room. Over time, this creates an internal environment that’s less reactive and more responsive.

 

You’re building trust with yourself. When your parts realize the Self is paying attention, they stop yelling. The noise settles, and with it, the urge to lash out or shut down. You’ll still feel things, but those feelings won’t bulldoze the moment.

 

Like any good recipe, emotional balance takes repetition, a little patience, and the willingness to make adjustments as you go. With practice, your reactions become less about survival and more about connection. And that shift, subtle as it may feel, changes everything.

 

Tips For Building Self-Awareness to Enhance Emotional Regulation

If you’ve ever felt hijacked by your emotions in the middle of a conversation, you’re not broken; you’re just missing a little self-awareness. This kind of awareness isn’t about analyzing every thought or reaction. It’s about recognizing what’s happening inside you without letting it steer the ship. When you can identify what part of you is speaking up, you create space to respond with intention instead of impulse.

 

Internal Family Systems (IFS) sees self-awareness as the foundation for regulation. It gives your Self a chance to notice, listen, and lead. That’s where real change starts, not by fixing your reactions, but by figuring them out. Think of it like prepping your ingredients before baking. Once everything’s sorted and in place, the process runs a lot smoother.

 

Here are a few ways to build self-awareness that support emotional regulation:

• Check in regularly. Ask yourself how you’re feeling before, during, and after interactions, especially the tricky ones.

• Journal what stands out. Write down emotional spikes or moments you didn’t expect to react to.

• Notice patterns. Keep track of when certain feelings show up and what might be triggering them.

• Name the parts. Give language to the different voices inside, like “the critic,” “the fixer,” or “the peacemaker.”

• Practice curiosity. Instead of judging a reaction, ask what it might be trying to protect you from.

You’re not trying to decode everything at once. The goal is to become more familiar with your inner self. Over time, that clarity helps you catch reactions as they’re building, rather than cleaning up after they explode.

 

Think of each reflection like a note in a well-worn recipe book. Eventually, you understand what your system needs before things go sideways. You might notice, for example, that a spike in defensiveness tends to show up around a certain type of person. That’s not random. That’s your system sending a message.

 

When you tune into those signals, your Self becomes the steady hand in the kitchen. It’s the difference between scrambling to salvage a burnt cake and adjusting the heat before it’s too late. With regular practice, this process becomes second nature. Emotional regulation shifts from something effortful to something embodied.

 

You’re not aiming for perfection. You’re just getting better at noticing. And that awareness, once in place, quietly changes the way you show up—calmer, clearer, and far more in charge of your internal recipe.

 

Learn To Regulate Your Reactions With Barbara J Lanz Counseling

Learning more about your reactions is the first step. Learning how to regulate them is what creates real change.

 

The Internal Family Systems approach helps shift your view of intense emotions from something disruptive to something informative. Over time, those emotional spikes become signals, not threats.

 

This process requires intention. The more you connect with your internal system, the easier it becomes to respond instead of react. And when that shift happens, your relationships, self-perception, and day-to-day interactions all benefit.

 

Ready to better understand and manage your emotional responses? Learning to regulate strong reactions through an Internal Family Systems approach can transform your relationships and personal well-being.

 

Start the process today by booking a therapy session and gain the tools to manage your emotions with clarity and confidence.

 

If you’re interested in learning more or want to talk through your next step, feel free to reach out via email or call us at (239) 317-5533. We’re here to support your process, one steady insight at a time.